Dear Keira Knightley:
You are an outrageously beautiful girl and, based on the performance you gave in Bend It Like Beckham, an outrageously talented actress as well, which is a happy combination. (There wasn’t much to go on in Pirates of the Caribbean, but I’m keeping the faith.) Most of us would hack off parts of our bodies to have the life you have spread out in front of you now. Well, little parts maybe. Actually probably we’d just say we’d hack off parts of our bodies, but wouldn’t really go and do it. In any case, there usually isn’t much call to go ahead with that sort of thing, which is for the best.
However, please eat some fucking food. We’ll love you for it all the more, I promise. I know I will.
Very fondly yours,