I Was a Teenage Mutant Cholesterol Monster

That's not my New Doctor, and it's not my Lipitor either.I love my new doctor. I hated my old doctor, so this is good. Apart from emergency scares, like when I woke up in the middle of the night with chest pains (wheeeee! that’ll put the fear into you!), or when I had Killer Krell Bronchitis a few years ago, or when body parts unexpectedly fall off, I tended not to go to my old doctor. Like for the past three or four years. Ever.

The Old Doctor couldn’t remember who I was, even after seeing me four times in the course of 6 weeks. Some people might not find this alarming. All I can tell you is that historically I tend to be memorable. If the cute Indian cashier at the Key Food can identify me at 20 paces, shouldn’t my doctor be able to do as much? It’s not like he doesn’t have my name written down in front of him, and when you’re named Linus that’s a tip-off right there.

My New Doctor called the other day to see if the insurance company had cleared my upcoming MRI. I was surprised to hear from her; on Wednesdays her office is closed. “Yes,” she explained, “but I took some work home.” I love my New Doctor.

“Now Sparky,” she said, “I need to talk to you about your cholesterol. You said it was high when you last had it checked, but it is very high. These numbers are absurd.”

What can I say? I’m an overachiever. And she didn’t actually call me Sparky.

I’m now on medication for the first time in my life, and probably for the rest of my life, which is a strange thing to think about. My prescription for atorvastatin calcium is a daily intervention. A little less scary when you note that atorvastatin calcium is better known as Lipitor®, because who isn’t on Lipitor after 35 or so. But still.

The numbers? Hang on to the skids, kids. I can wrap the Reichstag with my cholesterol; I can pave rural flyover counties with it. If I ever run hungry on a desert island I’ll scoop some out and use it in a casserole. My total level was 363, LDL 271 (woohoo!) and HDL 92. If I’d known, I could have made cholesterol shelves for my DVD’s instead of buying storage racks from Overstock.com. When I get a system that can handle Doom 3, I’ll be using the Lipid Gun as my default weapon.

I love my doctor. And when I got off the phone with her I called Peter Luger to make reservations for our annual Home Office Records company dinner.

About Linus

The man behind the curtain. But couldn't we get a nicer curtain?
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